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| Connected CommunityParents : Divorce |
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| Children & Divorce - What to Know, Say, & Do
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About 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Divorce is never easy for parents or for children. Children may feel like the divorce is somehow their fault. Parents try to help children adjust to the breakup of their home while at the same time possibly dealing with their own feelings and problems, such as guilt, anger, loss, loneliness, or financial problems. Parents who are divorcing often struggle to work out a schedule of visits or joint custody, along with routines that are least disruptive to their child.
What To Know
It's important to keep things as normal as possible after your divorce. Keep meal routines, set rules of behavior, and accepted methods of discipline. Relaxing limits, especially during this time of change, can make your child feel insecure. Don't drop routines and spoil your child in an effort to help her deal with your divorce.
What To Say
Encourage your child to talk about how he feels about your divorce. Try not to downplay his feelings of loss or sadness. Listening and letting him know you understand his feelings will help him through this time of change. Remember to keep your role as a parent, however. Your child is still a child. Don't add to his stress by expecting him to be your friend or to takes sides in any conflict you might have with your ex-spouse. Don't say negative things about your ex-spouse. Don't question your child after he comes back from time with your ex-spouse.
What To Do
Consistency in routine and discipline across both homes are important. Similar ideas about bedtimes, rules, and homework will lower anxiety. Let your child know that you and your ex-spouse are trying to work together to help him deal with the divorce. If you find you are having trouble keeping this consistency, don't be afraid to seek outside help from a counselor or clergy. You might even want to spell out some of these routines in your separation agreement.
The following ideas also can help parents keep a calm, secure household during this change to two households:
- Remain calm in front of your child.
- Seek help from family, friends, or a professional counselor.
- Rest when your child rests; take care of yourself; make time for your own relaxation.
- Maintain warm, safe contacts with your child.
- Don't deprive your child of her favorite toy, blanket, or stuffed animal.
- Develop and use a network of friends and family.
Remember—the most important thing you can give your child at this time is your love.
(Source: http://family.samhsa.gov)
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| Divorce Counseling May Help Prevent Teen Substance Abuse
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Most children of divorced parents in the United States (40 percent of all children) adjust well to their parents' split. But 20 to 25 percent of children have trouble dealing with their parents' divorce. Many of the problems these children have can last into their adult years. Researchers at the University of Arizona tried to find out whether post-divorce counseling for children helped prevent some negative outcomes of divorce-conduct problems, dropping out of school, substance use, high-risk sexual behaviors, and depression-during the teen years.
To find out whether counseling could reduce problems during the teen years in children of divorce, researchers tested more than 200 9- to 12-year-olds who lived with their mothers after a divorce. The children and their mothers took part in one of three programs:
- One program for mothers included 11 group sessions and 2 private sessions. The group sessions addressed improving the mother-child relationship, disciplining, increasing the father's access to the child, and reducing conflict between the parents.
- Another program consisted of 11 group sessions and 2 private sessions for the mothers and 11 group sessions for the children. The mothers' group sessions addressed improving the mother-child relationship, disciplining, increasing the father's access to the child, and reducing conflict between the parents. The children's group sessions were designed to help the children improve their coping and problem-solving skills.
- The third program was a control group in which participants received three books on adjusting to divorce, but no private or group counseling.
After 6 years, researchers checked on 218 of the families that participated to see how the children had fared as teens. Teens who had received counseling as children were far more likely than those with no counseling to avoid mental health problems that often plague teens whose parents have split up. In fact, surveys revealed that 23.5 percent of the teens who had no counseling or other help had mental health problems, compared with 11 percent of the teens who had been in the programs. Researchers also found that counseling in childhood reduced marijuana, alcohol, and other illegal drug use and number of sexual partners during the teen years.
Teens whose mothers had post-divorce counseling also fared better than teens whose mothers had no counseling. Teens whose mothers took part in the counseling program-even when the teens received no counseling-had fewer symptoms of mental health problems and lower rates of alcohol, marijuana, and other illegal drug use.
While many youth may not seem to need counseling if they appear to be dealing well with their parents' divorce, the lasting benefits of counseling for both parents and children make it a good investment. To learn more about counseling programs in your area, talk to your family doctor.
(Source: http://family.samhsa.gov)
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